such a lovley thought

so ive had alot on my mind latley, i hate being as pensive as i am. for some reason i just done seem to be happy. i can try and brush it up but it all comes back to me, mostly at night. it seems like im trying to move but am stuck in qicksand. not to mention alone. i know there are people who love me, but i dont want to bring them down. i would rather suffer in silence. last night it hit me bad, i thought i was actually going to be sick. im glad i grabed that bread and tea. i was drowning myself in tea, past regreats and cigarettes. my 18th birthday however is near and im excited. i wanna fresh start from all of this. i just want to be happy &not have to fake that something isnt wrong when there really is. i think im really lost on how i feel. i want things to be ok, and i think me brushing it off makes it all worse. i still feel a little sick and thank god because that means no conditioning for me today. i just dont have the strength to do it, both mentally and physically. i hate having to deal with this alone. i dont know where my bestfriend nor my boyfriend is. i think even if i did, i wouldnt want to make them feel sad or bad about how i feel. alot has to do with them both. i think the distance is straining both of these relationships. i dislike having to act fake. i cant even force a smile on my face and the one who see's that is my dad. he knows when something is wrong with me, he always does. im very stressed right now, and its eating me away...kind of slowly too. i think i might go for a walk to let some of this blow over. then again i might start crying cause i think alot when i walk. why do things have to turn when they get good? just wondering why i get fucked over. i want to go to the beach and sit and just think. the beach has always been a good place to go. i enjoy it more than anything else lol. ahhh, i have so much going through my mind. i know everything will be ok, i just need to think and think till i cant anymore. i feel like im babling on i should be go productive.

xoxox

gia